Musings on My Ex-Husband

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Or rather, an ode to my ex-mother-in-law

It’s funny but as I’m sitting here, relaxing, thinking about the past, I cannot for the life of me remember a good love moment between my ex and me.

I cannot think of a time when we surrendered to each other. When I felt his vulnerability. When I actually felt deep love.

I say it’s funny but it really is sad.

He was a good friend, but not a lover. He was more like my brother, not my lifemate.

I did not cry when I considered life without him. I merely thought of where I would go and what I would do.

In the early days of our relationship, I enjoyed his humour. He really did have a fun sense of humour that made me laugh until I had a stitch in my side. I liked to be with his friends. When I think of us, as in my ex and I, I think more of us, as in my ex, his friends, and me. I believe I was in love with being part of a tight social circle.

I have difficulty thinking of when I felt genuine, till-death-do-us-part love for him, even at our own wedding. It was more about the wedding, the party. Not about growing old together.

I liked his family and could relate to his mother. I respected and admired her. She had suffered a rough past but through inner strength, she completed her goals and survived. She wasn’t a victim but rather a survivor.

I wanted to learn from her. I wanted to learn how she seemed to manage her household with ease and find joy in the every day. I wanted to learn her attitude, her joy of the simple life. I wanted to cook like her, to listen like her, to be involved like her.

I wanted to be healthy like her. To have an open mind to try new things and to learn from younger people like her.

I wanted to share in her family values and I admired how she brought the family together every year. I admired how she opened her home to her children’s friends and seemed so giving and unselfish.

I wanted to enjoy the simple things, like nature and camping, birdwatching, and walking as she did. To be comfortable knowing she had the financial resources to do anything she wanted, yet not be controlled or manipulated by this.

I admired how she kept her finances understated, never flaunting it, but enjoying it without extravagance.

I believe that I miss my ex-mother-in-law more than I miss my ex-husband.

I don’t shed tears when I reflect on our lost relationship — my ex and I — but I do with my ex-mother-in-law.

(first featured on Medium platform May 6, 2021)

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