Photo by Possessed Photography on Unsplash

I used to think I had a split personality.

One personality was my “outside self” that I showed the world. An over-achiever, A-student, always smiling.

The other personality was my “inside self.” I kept this to myself. Anxious, with an ever-present undercurrent of depression.

As an introvert, I got my energy from being alone. But when I was alone, the undercurrent would rise up fierce and fast, and wash over me in a rush.

I lacked energy, physically and emotionally. I constantly battled the beast of melancholy. It took all my energy to get out of bed in the morning. I appeared happy to others because I smiled through the pain, hiding the inner turmoil. But the facade cost me.

I lamented the fact that I had a good life. It actually added to my anxiety as I had no reason to blame on my darkness. I loved my family and lived in a nice home in a lovely neighbourhood. I had close friends and got good grades. I suffered no childhood trauma.

I didn’t know that depression could be caused by a chemical imbalance in my brain. I thought that it was something I needed to “get over.”

It exhausted me. All I wanted to do was sleep.

Forever.

I often contemplated suicide. Not because I hated my life, but rather to escape the weariness of living another day.

I wrote my suicide note.

In it, I apologized to my mom and dad, my brothers, and my friends. I explained that it had nothing to do with them. I shared what I loved about them. I didn’t want them to blame themselves.

But I couldn’t put into words why I wanted to die. I didn’t want to die. I just didn’t want to live.

I didn’t want to die: I just didn’t want to live (click to tweet)

Life was too hard. I wanted the exhaustion to end.

My idea for suicide was simple. I planned to lean back in the driver seat of our family car in the garage with the doors shut and the engine running. I expected to fall asleep and never wake up.

That’s what I wanted, after all…to fall asleep.

But as a Catholic, I believed that I would wake up in the afterlife. I would awake in heaven or hell.

My fear was that I would wake in hell. I believed that suicide was a sin that closed heaven’s doors.

Because of this belief, I did not follow through on taking my life (obviously).

Whether my belief was right or wrong, whether people believe it true or not, I am forever grateful that it stayed my hand.

If you like compelling, heart-wrenching, and nostalgic stories like this one then you’ll love this memoir of young life experiences that take you down memory lane. Buy Through Trials to Triumph: A Memoir of a Catholic Girl’s High School Years to learn how your faith and trust in God can root you through troubled times today!